The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman.
It’s got a mushy title and a purple book cover (with a heart on it), but I’ll let that slide since it holds the secrets to understanding and finding your partner’s love language as well as your own love language. The book states that people give and receive love in 5 different ways. Dr. Chapman expresses that it’s vitally important for us to be aware of how you and your partner both give and receive love. In short, if you’re not speaking your partner’s love language, they will feel unloved and the relationship will suffer. Even if you truly love them and you think you’re doing everything you can to show your love, you may be missing the mark completely. If they are not hearing your message, they may feel unloved.
Everyone has a primary love language. They are:
1 – Words of affirmation – Do you like hearing “I love you”, compliments, and meaningful words above all else? Are insults detrimental to your relationship standing?
2 – Quality time – Do you value full and undivided attention above all else? Do you value one on one time (tv off, no distractions) more than anything? Canceled or postponed dates, and failure to listen are hurtful to this type.
3 – Receiving gifts – Gifts to this type mean everything because it shows the love, thought, and effort that went into the gift (not the materialism or cost of the object, but it’s the thought that counts). Do missed birthdays, anniversaries, or thoughtless gifts tear you apart?
4 – Acts of service – Chores around the house or errands that ease the burden of responsibility are the loving characteristics of this love language. Broken commitments and laziness can make these people feel unloved.
5 – Physical touch – Do you love hugs, holding hands, and thoughtful touches the most? Is there physical presence crucial to you? Any kind of neglect or abuse would destroy this type of person.
Which one do you most strongly identify with? Keep in mind, you can only choose one. Sure, we may like all of those things, but one of them should stick out as the most important. Really think about each one and imagine your partner doing each one of them and see how you feel. Take the at 5 love languages.com if you’re still not certain.
Quick tips to help you figure out your love language:
1 – Examine your childhood… how did your parents express their love to you? What made you feel loved? That may have translated to how you now express and receive it.
2 – What’s your first instinct when you want to show someone that you love them? Trust your instinct.
3 – How have you been deeply hurt in the past? What hurt the most? That can shed light on what your love language is.
Now that you know your love language, think about these love languages from your partner’s perspective. Can you identify their love language? I highly suggest you ask them to take the quiz instead of assuming.
Let’s go through a quick scenario – Let’s pretend you’re a gift giver because that’s how you were taught to show love or that’s just what makes you feel loved the most… you in turn get your partner gifts to show your love.. but if they speak the quality time love language, then you’re not showing them you love them in their way and they may feel unloved. You keep going on giving gifts thinking you’re doing your part, but your partner just grows more distant and bitter because they’re feeling unloved.
Everyone is different and many of us don’t realize that we speak different love languages. Another example – let’s say your love language is acts of service, and you take out the trash as a loving gesture.. depending on their love language, your partner may not see it that way. What we think is an act of love may not be seen that way by your wife/husband/SO. So it’s vital that we learn and understand their love language if we want to make them feel loved.
The goal is to speak your partners love language and fill up their love tank… like the gas tank in your car, you want to fill it up and keep it full.. when your tank is full, our lives run at their best… or you can run on fumes and eventually you will burn out.
That’s it guys.. a real simple, but very powerful book. First thing you need to do is find out your partners love language.. Do not assume what it is! Then, make a commitment to do something special each week.. something that ties into their primary love language. If your relationship is already running on fumes, then it may take a while for their love tank to get full, but keep at it and over time, you will reap the rewards.